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Posts Tagged ‘First Impressions’



I’m currently unemployed, and finally getting around to listening to a lot of the crappy albums that I didn’t even know had been taking up space on my external drive for the past several years. Why not write a weekly column about them, right?

Squirrel Bait – Squirrel Bait (1985): This album reminded me of that special magic power that only the greatest and most obscure indie albums possess: the ability to make me feel totally awesome for having heard it and act like I’m way cooler than anyone who hasn’t, even though I’m 30 years old, wear the same black hoodie every day, and still live with my parents.

Foo Fighters – Wasting Light (2011): Has Foo Fighters finally become so corporate that they hire unpaid interns to write all their songs? At least it’ll look good on their resumes!  Oh wait, no it won’t.

Owl City – Ocean Eyes (2009): I hate it when people use the word ‘saccharine’ in music reviews. Instead, just close your eyes and imagine a naked Willy Wonka watching home movies of a 300-pound Sour Patch Kid raping Charlie Bucket.

The Strokes – Angles (2011): When I was 14 I had a weird lesion on my scrotum and I didn’t know why.  I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I just secretly dabbed it with hydrogen peroxide every day after school for 3 weeks. Then one day I tried using Lubriderm. Turned out it was just dry skin! What a relief!!

Mew – No More Stories… (2009): If I were asked to direct a music video for any of these songs, I would film two attractive young female sales associates locked in a slo-motion late-night pillow fight in the bedding section of a dimly lit department store as swirling pockets of light reflect off a broken disco ball, dancing across the delicate elfin features of their perfect enraptured faces.  The big surprise twist at the end will be that it’s not a music video at all, but a JCPenney’s commercial for pillows.

 

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It’s March 9, 2011 and I’m currently unemployed, and finally getting around to listening to a lot of the crappy albums that I didn’t even know had been taking up space on my external drive for the past several years. This is the first in a weekly series of brief and candid thoughts about them.

Al Di Meola – Casino (1978) – sounds like the type of music really rich mexican drug kingpins play on their bose stereo systems while they’re having sex with prostitutes that they pay extra not to talk.

Belle & Sebastian – Belle & Sebastian Write About Love (2010) – reminds me of the feeling you get when you’re enjoying the perfect summer day in the park and then you try to use the park bathroom and all the seats are covered in feces, but one has slightly less feces than the others so you use that one.

Deerhunter – Weird Era Cont (2008) – this sounds like the perfect soundtrack for a movie about a high school valedictorian who gets addicted to cough syrup in college, drops out, and then, instead of getting professional help, goes on a cross-country road trip across europe on an epic quest of self-discovery and more cough syrup. Which is why I can’t relate to this album: I’m not very bright, I never do drugs, and I hate to travel.

Handsome Furs – Plague Park (2007) – All these songs sound like “Dancing in the Dark” slowed down to half-speed. Actually this is probably what Born in the U.S.A. would have been if Springsteen had been born 3 months premature on an ashram and grew up with lots of food allergies and then ran away from home in 1997 because he was so devastated by how bad the Spawn movie was.

Tapes n’ Tapes – Outside (2011) – This is the kind of album people who have forgotten about 9/11 make for other people who have forgotten about 9/11.

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