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Archive for March, 2011

I’m currently unemployed, and finally getting around to listening to a lot of the crappy albums that I didn’t even know had been taking up space on my external drive for the past several years. Why not write a weekly column about them, right?

Years – Years (2009) – This album should be called ‘Reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond’. Because it sounds like he invited a string quartet over to jam in his living room but everybody was distracted by the tv.

Blood Red Shoes – Fire Like This (2010) – At first I figured they must not have seen The Man with One Red Shoe, or they would have tried harder to avoid making it sound like they named their band after it. Perhaps I was wrong. Because listening to this feels exactly like watching that movie.

Bonnie “Prince” Billy & The Cairo Gang – The Wonder Show of the World (2010) – I get the feeling that all these gossamer, gospel-steeped songs are secretly about how sad he is that Disney still hasn’t released Song of the South on DVD yet.

Buke and Gass – Riposte (2010) – Ok, if she wants to change time signatures every 10 seconds on the ukulele that’s fine, as long as she knows that’s not how you play a skin flute.

Efterklang – Magic Chairs (2010) – Unfortunately I can’t say objectively whether this album is any good or not, because I was listening to it and watching Predator on AMC at the same time. Turns out everything sounds epic when you’re watching Predator. See?

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It’s March 9, 2011 and I’m currently unemployed, and finally getting around to listening to a lot of the crappy albums that I didn’t even know had been taking up space on my external drive for the past several years. This is the first in a weekly series of brief and candid thoughts about them.

Al Di Meola – Casino (1978) – sounds like the type of music really rich mexican drug kingpins play on their bose stereo systems while they’re having sex with prostitutes that they pay extra not to talk.

Belle & Sebastian – Belle & Sebastian Write About Love (2010) – reminds me of the feeling you get when you’re enjoying the perfect summer day in the park and then you try to use the park bathroom and all the seats are covered in feces, but one has slightly less feces than the others so you use that one.

Deerhunter – Weird Era Cont (2008) – this sounds like the perfect soundtrack for a movie about a high school valedictorian who gets addicted to cough syrup in college, drops out, and then, instead of getting professional help, goes on a cross-country road trip across europe on an epic quest of self-discovery and more cough syrup. Which is why I can’t relate to this album: I’m not very bright, I never do drugs, and I hate to travel.

Handsome Furs – Plague Park (2007) – All these songs sound like “Dancing in the Dark” slowed down to half-speed. Actually this is probably what Born in the U.S.A. would have been if Springsteen had been born 3 months premature on an ashram and grew up with lots of food allergies and then ran away from home in 1997 because he was so devastated by how bad the Spawn movie was.

Tapes n’ Tapes – Outside (2011) – This is the kind of album people who have forgotten about 9/11 make for other people who have forgotten about 9/11.

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